One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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