I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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