Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Randomize
