Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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