I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Randomize
