He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
