it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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