I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize