I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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