i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
