I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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