I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
