Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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