my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
