Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
