i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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