Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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