i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
