She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Randomize
