watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
