Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
