your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
