I accidentally burped into my bong.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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