I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
