Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
