Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
