mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
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