so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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