Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
