People in love make me want to vomit
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
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