i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
