Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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