I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
