Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
