Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
