did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
