remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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