You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
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She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
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so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
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