and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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