This girl is more easily done than said...
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
im six kinds of drunk right now
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
