I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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