Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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