Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
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