I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
