She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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