i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
