Cold hands, warm shart.
dude i'm inner monologue high
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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