i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I checked into jail on foursquare
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
