I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Randomize
