I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Randomize
