New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
