im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Ladies don't puke and tell
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Randomize
