I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize
