Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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