The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
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