All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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